The Slammer - Episode
Series 2 - First broadcast: Friday 4 April 2008, BBC ONE, 4:35pm
It's time for the kitchen's yearly health and safety inspection. Jeremy Gimbert has to ask the prison chef a couple of questions, to make sure the food is good to eat. The chef says he's never had any complaints, even though the kitchen doesn't look very clean. Jeremy inspects the porridge. He asks the chef what's in it. "Spiders, pidgeons, prison wardens who say they're going to fail me on the health inspection!" the chef replies. He also points out that all his ingredients are fresh. Gimbert want to know if the milk is fresh. "Yes, well, technically speaking it's fresh yoghurt now." The chef tells Jeremy he's never felt healtier in his life, and then collapses. Jeremy is shocked! "We're going to have to close the kitchen now! What are we gonna do?!"
Watch: Health and safety inspection
All the prisoners are complaining. They're very hungry. Melvin attempts to eat his own foot while Peter Nokio tries to bite his puppet friend Charly Chimp. Mr Burgess is worried. The prisoners are behaving like madmen, only after twenty minutes without food! Jeremy says the prisoners are just going to have to tighten their belts, as the chef might be in hospital for up to a week! But without food, the acts won't be able to perform in the Freedom Show. Mr Burgess is afraid they're going to have to tell the Governor about the crisis.
The Governor is livid! It's time for the Gov's mid-morning cheese burger, but with the chef in hospital, that's not possible. He thinks it's the biggest crisis he's ever faced. Jeremy tells him they're going to need someone with nerves of steel to go into the prison kitchen. And preferably no sense of smell. "You need someone with courage and determination! And above all else, a spachelor! Only one name springs to mind... mine!" the Governor tells Frank and Jeremy. He tells them he's always been interested in cookery. Ever since he was a boy he's had a way with food.
Watch: Frank and Jeremy tell the Governor about the crisis
It's very hectic in the kitchen, with the Governor in charge. "You, scramble those patatoes, and you mash those eggs!" the Governor shouts at his staff. Frank Burgess arrives with the prisoners' requests. There is an awful lot of food that needs to be prepared. The Governor is very enthousiastic, and tells Mr Burgess it's all going like clockwork. Frank is not assured though. "I'd like to see this particular clock of yours, sir." The Governor even had time to make a batch of his special fairy cakes for the audience to have at showtime. Jeremy runs into the kitchen and tells the Governor he needs to work faster! The Governor's only regret of being the prison chef is the fact he won't be able to see his diner's happy smiling faces.
But the prisoners are not happy at all. They think the Governor's food is rubbish. Peter Nokio is not happy with his food. "That last chef was bad, but this is just wrong!" Frank Burgess asks if Peter's enjoying the food. Peter tells him it's disgusting, but then learns that the Governor made it. "Oh, it's lovely! It's exciting and adventurous." Mr Burgess tells him he's going to get the Governor to give a second helping.
Watch: The Governor is cooking up a storm
In the kitchen, the Governor has just finished his fairy cakes for the audience. Just in time as well! It's showtime! "I've spent that long doing the cakes that I've forgotten the prisoner's puds!" the Governor shouts. He gets Jeremy to take over. But Jeremy can't cook either! The Gov tells him it's easy.
Time for the Freedom Show. This week, Derek Masters is performing an escapology trick and Aleshin Group are doing some dangerous acrobatics. Also on the show are trapeze artist Julie, and Mexican guitarists Ole.
Watch: Freedom Show highlights
Watch: Clap-O-Meter results
Ole / 83.4
Derek Masters / 85.1
Aleshin Group /- 92.5
Julie / 89.6