The Slammer
The Slammer
© 2008 BBC


The Slammer - Episode 1
Series 2 - First broadcast: Friday 28 March 2008, BBC ONE, 4:35pm

The Governor is watching the news on the television in his office. It's reported that tap dancing legend Lionel Blair has been sentenced to ten years in showbiz prison The Slammer, for doing the foxtrot in a chicken coop. "The entertainer was lead from Southampton Magistrates' Court amid chaotic scenes. This is a spectacular fall from grace for Blair, who was considered to be Britain's greatest tap dancer of all time ever."

A while later, Blair arrives in the Governor's office. The Governor tells him he's on top of his 'Most Wanted List', along with Tinky Winky and Konnie Huq. "It's nice to be wanted, Chubby Chops", Lionel replies. The Governor is somewhat shocked by Lionel's reply. He didn't expect this to come from the tap dancer. After Lionel got his picture taken for the records, the Governor tells him he can't be in the week's Freedom Show, as he's already chosen four amazing acts. Russian Bar, Gamarjobat, Black Room Jackson and Attila Endresz will be competing to be released to freedom. But the Governor is sure Lionel's chance to appear on the show will come one day soon. "Wicked", Lionel replies.

> Watch: Lionel Blair ends up in The Slammer

The Governor's quite a fan of Blair's dancing, so he asks him to perform a small routine. Blair is surprised by that question and gets nervous. "No, I couldn't possibly. You see, the trouble is, it's the carpet! It's far too brown!" Mr Burgess, who's also in the office, along with Jeremy Gimbert, is not happy with that answer. "Too brown?! Who are you lad, some kind of comedian? Don't get smart with us lad, I know all about tap dancing." Mr Burgess has won an award for his tap dancing. He thinks there's something a bit strange about Lionel. "I'm sure you could do a little tap dance for us here in the office." But Lionel still refuses to do so. "It's my thumb, I hurt it peeling a tangerine", he mentions.

The Governor decides Lionel should be Peter Nokio's cellmate. Peter Nokio and his puppet friends all miss Melvin, who was released at Christmas, when his stage fright was magically cured by a fizzy drink. Mr Burgess, Jeremy and Lionel arrive at Pete's cell. "Peter, good to see you!", Lionel shouts.

> Watch: Peter Nokio misses Melvin

There is something odd about Lionel. He talks a bit like Melvin, and he even starts listening to Melvin's CDs. And he's wearing Melvin' s clothes! "There's a reason why I'm wearing Melvin's clothes..." Lionel gets interrupted by Jeremy Gimbert, who tells him he needs to come with him to the stage, as Mr Burgess has invoked section 12 of The Slammer Act. It turns out section 12 is 'Dance Club'. There's only two rules to Dance Club. The first rule is that "you must dance". The second rule states that there can't be any fizzy drinks near the stage. If Lionel loses he gets another 10 years in The Slammer. If he wins, he gets a rather lovely Teasmade. The music starts and the tap dance competition begins. Mr Burgess is a rather good tap dancer, but it turns out that Lionel Blair isn't! "There's a reason why I can't dance as well as Lionel Blair. It's because I'm Melvin!" Lionel was actually Melvin all along, in disguise. Melvin pretended to be Lionel Blair to get back in The Slammer. He missed his friends. When he read about Lionel in the paper, he took his place. No one knows where the real Lionel Blair is though. Peter Nokio is touched by Melvin's return. Gimbert is quite pleased as well, but Mr Burgess isn't. He takes the party to the Governor's office.

> Watch: Mr Burgess's Dance Club

The Governor is also pleased to have Melvin back. Mr Burgess is still annoyed and has thought of a few extra punishments for Melvin. "Harsh, but fair Mr B", the Governor agrees. The audience are in, so it's time for the weekly Freedom Show! The Governor's looking divine, as ever, as he introduces the four acts up for release.

Only one act can be released. The audience has to decide, with the help of Gimbert's all-new Clap-O-Meter. The more noise the audience makes, the higher the score. It was decided that Gamarjobat deserved to be let out of The Slammer.

> Watch: Freedom Show highlights

The Results:
Gamarjobat / 89.2
Attila Endresz / 84.0
Black Room Jackson / 84.8
Russian Bar / 87.4

The Governor's watching the news

Lionel Blair has arrived

Jeremy Gimbert, Mr Burgess and Lionel Blair

Lional Blair, Titch and Peter Nokio

Dance Club

The gang in the Governor's office

The Governor presenting the Freedom Show